How To Raise Confident Kids
"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
—Nelson Mandela
Raising confident children goes beyond shielding them from failure; it involves actively encouraging it. The negative connotation associated with failure, often ingrained through societal norms, can hinder personal and intellectual growth. Viewing failure as a teachable moment and guiding children through the process, however, can foster resilience, problem-solving skills, and, ultimately, self-confidence.
This article explores practical strategies for instilling confidence in children by embracing failure, addressing fears, linking praise to effort, emphasizing their significance, providing autonomy, and nurturing problem-solving skills.
How To Raise Confident Kids
Go beyond letting them fail; encourage it.
Failure has a negative connotation that is partially due to school when our skills are quantified and compared to our peers. Failure, however, is not only something to be avoided, it's an important stepping stone to success. Everyone you look up to has failed tremendously on their path to greatness. Failure is a skill that's ingrained in us but then taught out of us. Fortunately, babies are too young to realize the stigmatization of failure, or else they would stop getting up after falling 17 times an hour in their attempt to walk.
The fear of failure puts children in a paradoxical situation. When they fear failure, they avoid taking risks, thinking that by avoiding challenges, they can evade failure. This reluctance to try new things, however, hampers both their personal and intellectual development. It confines them to a comfort zone where they stick to familiar territory, avoiding uncharted paths. In the long run, this limits their potential, hinders growth, and resilience, and undermines the development of self-confidence.
The key to fostering confidence in our children is to change our perspective on failure. When a child experiences failure, it's an opportunity for a teachable moment.
Discuss what went wrong and what can be learned from the experience. Encourage them to ask questions, analyze the situation, and come up with solutions.
This doesn't mean they need to fail a test, smile when they lose, or intentionally have a fight with a friend. It means that they need to recognize the emotions that accompany this moment and reappraise them, learn that they're evolutionarily purposeful, and not to be neglected. This not only boosts their problem-solving skills but also teaches them that failure is a natural part of life's journey.
Encourage failure, make moments of failure teachable moments, and follow in Edison's sentiment: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
2. Teach them that It's okay to be scared.
When we think confident, we often think that the opposite is being brave and lacking fear. Paradoxically, confident kids have a healthy relationship with fear.
Our job as parents is to teach kids that it's okay to be scared. Rather than simply dismissing their fears with a "don't be scared" response, parents can encourage open conversations. When a child expresses fear, ask them to describe what they're feeling, delving into specifics like the sensations they experience, such as butterflies or tingling. Go further and explore their physical reactions, like a racing heart, and explain that this is their body's way of preparing them. These discussions help kids understand and manage their emotions, building emotional intelligence and resilience. It also builds their interception, or internal awareness, which improves their awareness of their body under different situations. Confidence isn't about being fearless; it's about knowing it's okay to be scared and having the tools to overcome fear with courage and grace.
By fostering these conversations, parents not only nurture their children's confidence but also equip them to face life's challenges with a strong sense of emotional self-awareness and the ability to navigate fear effectively.
3. Link praise to effort, not outcome.
In the journey of raising confident children, it's crucial to link praise to effort, not just outcomes. Focusing solely on the end result can create a performance-driven mindset, where children feel their worth is tied to success. For example, praising students for intelligence was found to have more negative effects on their achievement motivation than praising effort, according to six studies. Children praised for intelligence exhibited a preference for performance goals, less task persistence after failure, and a fixed mindset about intelligence compared to those praised for effort.
Instead, emphasize that hard work, determination, and resilience are what truly matter. This encourages a growth mindset, where they understand that challenges and setbacks are opportunities for growth and improvement.
Additionally, it promotes intrinsic motivation by encouraging an internal drive to engage in activities based on personal interest and satisfaction, fostering sustained engagement and a profound sense of accomplishment independent of external validation. Moreover, effort-based praise plays a critical role in building resilience, equipping children with coping mechanisms to navigate setbacks, learn from mistakes, adjust strategies, and persevere through difficulties, contributing to their overall emotional strength and ability to face challenges.
How to promote effort-based praise:
Specificity: Instead of a generic "good job," be specific about what effort you appreciate. "I loved how you kept trying different ways to solve that math problem!" or "You practiced so hard for your piano recital, and your dedication really showed!"
Process, not Product: Celebrate the steps taken, not just the final outcome. "I saw how focused you were while doing your homework," or "That science project was messy, but I loved your curiosity and creativity!"
Effort and Progress: Acknowledge both the effort put in and the progress made, highlighting small steps towards a larger goal. "You may not have aced the test, but I saw how hard you studied, and I'm confident you'll improve next time!"
Intrinsic Value: Shift the focus from external rewards to the inherent value of the effort itself. "I'm so proud of you for tackling that challenging task even though it wasn't easy!" or "You learned so much while building that Lego castle, and that's what truly matters!"
Unconditional Encouragement: Let your child know that your love and support are not contingent on their achievements. "I'm always here for you, no matter how things turn out. What I value most is your effort and your willingness to learn!"
For more on praise and why you should praise less, read these takeaways from Hunt, Gather, Parent.
4. Let them know that you believe in them.
It’s also important to show them your unwavering belief in them daily. This extends from small, everyday tasks like setting the dinner table to more significant life challenges. When they witness your faith in their abilities, it bolsters their self-confidence and reminds them that they have you in their corner. While you might think, "They already know I've got their back," we humans tend to be terrible predictors about what others are thinking, a cognitive bias known as the false consensus effect. The frequency of these affirmations is critical and plays a part in forming their own inner dialogue for those times when they need to face challenges without you there.
Here are some ways to do this:
Tell them you love them, you're proud of them, you're there for them.
Be specific with these reminders. For example, "Hey bud, that was really cool when you _________."
Don't limit these situations to times when they're doing something you approve of such as doing well in a sport or bringing their dinner plate over from the dinner table.
Do it intermittently and spontaneously. This pattern avoids a predictable pattern which diminishes the impact of the reminder.
5. Make them feel like they matter.
One of the most important parts of raising confident kids may be in making them feel like they matter. Mattering, in essence, is the feeling of being valued, significant, and important. Research suggests that mattering is intricately linked to resilience. The suicide prevention hotline has long recognized this and uses the hashtag #youmatter in their campaigns.
Children, in particular, require a profound sense of mattering. It's not enough for them to feel valued; they must also witness tangible results of this mattering in their lives. Two critical steps to achieve this are minimizing criticism and prioritizing affection. When criticism is reduced, children feel less judged and more accepted, fostering their sense of mattering. Prioritizing affection, on the other hand, nurtures a feeling of being cherished, further reinforcing their belief that they truly matter.
Research has shown that it takes three positive interactions to counteract the effects of one negative interaction, underscoring the significance of a positive and supportive environment. Equally important, when this universal need to matter remains unmet, it becomes a predictor of psychological stress.
The Self-Determination Theory developed by psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, provides a framework to understand the importance of mattering in the context of raising confident kids. According to this theory, individuals have three innate psychological needs—autonomy, competence, and relatedness. When children feel that they matter, it satisfies their need for relatedness, contributing to their overall well-being. Conversely, when the universal need to matter is unmet, it aligns with the theory's premise, potentially leading to psychological stress and various emotional and mental challenges.
Mattering is a cornerstone to raising confident kids. By creating an environment where children not only feel valued but also witness the tangible results of their significance, we lay the foundation for resilience and well-being.
6. Give them opportunities for autonomy.
An essential aspect of raising confident children is providing them with opportunities for autonomy. This means encouraging them to make choices and decisions independently, within age-appropriate boundaries. Offering these opportunities on a daily basis allows kids to develop a sense of self-reliance, competence, and personal responsibility.
Here are some ways to do that:
Start with routines. Anything that they participate in on daily basis is a great place to start. Examples include picking out their own clothes, brushing their teeth, and helping with cooking dinner.
Let them pick when to go to bed, encouraging them to set an alarm to wake up.
Let them make their own lunch.
Have them help you find things in the grocery store.
Let them pick the family activity on the weekend. This can be simply picking the park to planning the entire day down to the hour.
Ask them for their input. What time should we leave? What should we have for dinner tomorrow? What are your thoughts on how I handled that?
Practice acomedido. I first learned of acomedido from the book Hunt Gather Parent. The author writes that, “acomedido is not just doing a chore or task because someone told you to, it's knowing which kind of help is appropriate at a particular moment because You're paying attention." Find exactly how to incorporate this strategy here.
It's important to strike a balance between guidance and independence, ensuring that the level of autonomy granted aligns with their age, maturity, and capabilities. This approach not only fosters self-assurance but also helps children develop problem-solving skills and a sense of ownership over their actions, all of which are crucial components of confidence building.
7. Teach problem-solving skills.
Teaching effective problem-solving skills not only empowers children to face challenges with confidence but it equips them with valuable tools for navigating life. The brain of a child is highly malleable and capable of forming new neural connections, especially when engaged in problem-solving activities and experiential learning. These neurological adaptations contribute to the development of crucial cognitive skills and resilience, laying a foundation for future success and adaptability.
Here are some ways to do that:
Ask them what they would do.
When they ask for a solution to the problem, ask them to provide you with one first.
Get them to think independently but continue to allow them to ask for help and collaborate on ideas.
Instead of just asking for ideas and then doing yours, use their ideas, regardless of how bizarre they are.
Allow natural consequences to take place. Let them fail, let them learn from it, and let them be okay with not getting it right the first time.
Be comfortable saying, “I don’t know. Let’s find out.”
This approach fosters ownership of their decision, the willingness to try something new or different, and it grants the opportunity to put themselves out there, all critical aspects of leadership, resilience, and confidence.
8. Establish “Secure Attachment”
Mounting evidence has helped to establish that one of the most significant factors influencing confidence and resilience is the presence of secure attachment with a stable and reliable parent. Secure attachment is the strong, positive emotional bond that develops between a child and their primary caregiver, typically in the early years of life. It sounds like a fundamental concept yet research suggests that only around 66% of the US is securely attached.
Securely attached children exhibit clear behavioral indicators of a strong emotional connection with their caregivers. When separated, they express visible distress and seek comfort upon reunion, showing positive behavior. Despite finding some solace in others' presence, they distinctly prefer their parents over strangers. Parents of securely attached children engage actively, respond promptly, and demonstrate heightened overall responsiveness compared to those with insecurely attached children.
Numerous studies have demonstrated the connection between secure attachment and positive child development. For instance, a meta-analysis by Van IJzendoorn et al. found that secure attachment in infancy is associated with higher levels of self-esteem, emotional stability, and social competence in later childhood. Similarly, a study by Thompson et al. revealed that children with secure attachments demonstrated greater resilience in the face of academic challenges.
The long-term impact of secure attachment extends into adulthood, fostering individuals who form lasting, trusting relationships, possess good self-esteem, openly share feelings, and actively seek social support.
Here are key practices to promoting secure attachment:
Be responsive: Pay attention to your child's cues and respond promptly to their needs, whether it's for physical comfort, emotional support, or playful interaction.
Be available: Make time for your child, both for planned activities and spontaneous moments of connection. Ensure they feel your presence and know you're there for them.
Be empathetic: Validate your child's feelings, even if you don't always agree with them. Help them understand and express their emotions in a healthy way.
Set clear boundaries and expectations: Provide consistent guidance and support while allowing your child room for exploration and independence.
Practice positive communication: Talk to your child openly and honestly, actively listening to their thoughts and feelings.
Building a secure attachment is a journey, not a destination. Practice these skills consistently to promote confidence and resilience.
Takeaway
Fostering confidence in children involves embracing failure as a teachable moment, encouraging open discussions about fears, praising effort over outcomes, and making them feel valued. Offering opportunities for autonomy and teaching effective problem-solving skills empower them to navigate challenges, setting the foundation for resilience and future success. Additionally, establishing a secure attachment through responsiveness, availability, empathy, clear boundaries, and positive communication contributes significantly to their confidence and well-being.
Confidence is not about shielding children from difficulties but guiding them through experiences that promote growth and resilience.
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