Rethinking Praise and Rewards in Parenting | 3 Takeaways
"When children are praised for doing something well, they are less likely to take risks or challenge themselves in the future."
—Alfie Kohn
Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes challenges the conventional wisdom around praise and rewards, arguing that these methods often diminish intrinsic motivation and create a dependency on external validation. Backed by a wealth of research, Kohn illustrates how these common techniques, though widely used in workplaces, classrooms, and homes, can obstruct the development of self-motivation and authentic engagement. The data Kohn presents is substantial, with a clear focus on examining not just the limitations but the potential harms of these approaches in shaping behavior and growth.
While Punished by Rewards offers insights for managers, educators, and parents alike, I’ll be focusing here on the takeaways specifically geared toward parenting. Although Kohn’s style can occasionally be thorough to the point of long-windedness, his wit and engaging examples make complex ideas accessible, and the book’s rigorous evidence base makes his arguments compelling. Although I’ve written about the harms of the “Good job!” movement and try to avoid this myself, Kohn's work has given me new perspectives on fostering intrinsic motivation in my kids, further shifting my approach for raising “caring, moral, self-confident, happy, reflective people”—the ultimate goals of parenting.
3 Takeaways from Punished by Rewards
1. Rethinking Praise for Meaningful Growth
Author Alfie Kohn highlights the potential downsides of traditional praise and offers practical suggestions for how to approach it in ways that foster self-evaluation, confidence, and collaboration in children. Here are some key points to consider:
Focus on Actions, Not the Person: Instead of giving broad praise directed at the child (“You’re such a good writer”), emphasize specific aspects of their work (“That ending really makes the reader think!”). This keeps praise grounded in the child’s actions and accomplishments rather than creating a sense of worth based on external approval.
Be Specific and Meaningful: Generalized praise doesn’t provide much information or encouragement. Instead, point out details you found impressive or interesting. For example, instead of “Nice job!” say, “The way you described the setting added so much mood to the story.” This approach encourages children to focus on the specific qualities that made their work effective.
Avoid Manipulative or Phony Praise: Children can often detect inauthentic praise, such as exaggerated or sugary comments. This can sound insincere and make them question your motives. Authentic praise should sound like a natural conversation and should not feel like a "reward" the child has to work for.
Eliminate Competitive Praise: Saying things like “You’re the best in the class” can foster rivalry and encourage children to measure their worth against others rather than valuing their own achievements. This also sets a mindset of perpetual insecurity. Instead, offer praise that emphasizes the child’s own progress and effort.
Offer Praise Privately: Public praise can be as damaging as public criticism, especially when it breeds competition or comparison. Praising in private helps children focus on their own growth without feeling put on display or compared to their peers.
2. The Importance of Intrinsic Motivation in Learning
When it comes to learning and motivation with kids, it’s important to remember three facts:
Young children don't need to be rewarded to learn.
At any age, rewards are less effective than intrinsic motivation for promoting effective learning.
Rewards for learning undermine intrinsic motivation.
He goes on to recommend that every educator read this quote, taken from Richard M. Ryan and Jerome Stiller's work on self-determination in education, every Monday morning
"The more we try to measure, control, and pressure learning from without, the more we obstruct the tendencies of students to be actively involved and to participate in their own education. Not only does this result in a failure of students to absorb the cognitive agenda imparted by educators, but it also creates deleterious consequences for the affective agendas of schools—that is, how students feel about learning. Externally imposed evaluations, goals, rewards, and pressures seem to create a style of teaching that is antithetical to quality learning outcomes in school—that is, learning characterized by durability, depth, and integration."
For parents, the thing that stood out to me the most was this:
“Teachers and parents who care about learning need to do everything in their power to help students forget that grades exist.”
3. The Three Cs of Effective Problem-Solving with Children
Kohn presents the "Three Cs"—Content, Collaboration, and Choice—as foundational to effective problem-solving with children, shifting from controlling discipline to cooperative guidance.
Content: When addressing a child's behavior, Kohn suggests examining the nature of our requests. Rather than expecting blind obedience, we should consider whether our demands align with the child’s needs, abilities, and stage of development. Are we asking them to suppress natural urges (e.g., moving around or expressing emotions) or to act in ways that aren’t age-appropriate? Are these requests necessary and reasonable? “We tell a 3-year-old to stop playing with a knife, we think about it more, and we stand by our decision. We tell a 6-year-old to stop playing with an ice cube at the dinner table, we think about it some more, and we figure there's no harm in doing so.” Reconsidering a rule thoughtfully is different from simply giving in out of fatigue or frustration. Think through each request, rather than habitually saying “no” and expecting compliance without reason.
Collaboration: Children, especially as they get older, should be involved in problem-solving. Instead of relying on a power dynamic, parents and teachers can work with the child to explore why a particular issue is problematic and to find solutions together. Research shows that children are more likely to comply with a solution when it’s collaborative and rational rather than authoritarian. Involving children as partners in problem-solving not only builds cooperation but also helps them develop a sense of responsibility and pride in their actions.
Choice (Autonomy): The third "C," choice, refers to creating an environment where children feel a sense of autonomy. He writes that the slogan should be "bring the kids in on it" which reflects the idea that the more involved children are in decisions affecting them, the more likely they are to feel valued and to internalize positive behaviors. This fosters a stronger sense of ownership over their actions and leads to fewer conflicts in the long term.
Bonus: How the Author Raises His Kids
Alfie Kohn’s reflections on parenting in the 25th-anniversary edition of Punished by Rewards reveal how his views evolved after raising two children. He critiques societal norms that equate a "well-behaved" child with a docile, obedient one, noting,
“When strangers in a restaurant tell us how good our daughter is, they don’t mean she’s admirable in an ethical sense. But merely that she hasn’t been a nuisance to them.”
This focus on surface behavior can lead parents to rely on quick-fix tactics like rewards or threats to maintain compliance. Yet Kohn argues that such tactics, while convenient, undermine our long-term goals for our children’s development. As he puts it,
“The challenge I set for myself, even if I knew I could not always meet it, is to look beyond the behavior that traditional discipline can buy for the moment.”
Instead of shaping children to be obedient, Kohn advocates for thinking in the long term.
“The more we stay focused on our long-term goals of raising children who are caring, moral, self-confident, happy, reflective people, the more likely it is that we will never say ‘I'll give you a goodie if you do it.’ or ‘You need a timeout!’ or ‘Because I said so.’“
A pet peeve of his, as a parent now, is hearing the “good job!” reflex that’s become a “verbal tick” among many parents. (As he writes, “Parents congratulate infants on their clapping or push a toddler on the swing and say ‘Good job!’ It's gravity for God's sake!”). What he does as a parent based on the evidence:
Minimizes contingent approval by not linking approval to specific accomplishments.
Hugs his daughter often and makes sure she knows she’s loved
Does not withhold approval
Notices her achievements without telling her how to feel, allowing her to form her own evaluations.
“When she manages some new feat, I'm likely to simply say “You did it" or, now that she's old enough, to ask her how she did it.
Offers guidance when needed and avoids final judgments on her work, empowering her to own her evaluations and not telling her whether the “job” was good or not.
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