Sibling Rivalry Solutions: A Parent’s Guide to Peace
"Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together."
—Sam Levenson
In many households, the classic shouts of “No, that’s mine!” or “I want it first!” are daily sounds that can drive parents to the brink. Sibling rivalry often feels like a never-ending game of refereeing, and yet, these conflicts are more than just exhausting—they’re rich opportunities for teaching children how to handle disputes with resilience and understanding.
When I walked into the room to find my kids fighting over a single pillow, I took a deep breath and did something different. Instead of taking sides or solving it for them, I paused and asked, “You both want this pillow. How can we figure this out?” To my surprise, they took turns brainstorming ideas until one of them offered, “She can use it first, then I will.” It was an eye-opener: the ability to guide kids through conflict helps them develop empathy and problem-solving skills, turning daily arguments into stepping stones for emotional growth.
Sibling rivalry isn’t about preventing conflict but helping children navigate it with compassion and patience. Understanding when to step in—and when to let them figure it out—gives them a safe space to practice these crucial skills that will shape their relationships for life.
The Role of Social and Emotional Development
At the core of sibling rivalry lies social-emotional development, as kids learn to navigate emotions and relationships. Children see their siblings as competitors for time, attention, and love, often reacting most intensely at home where they feel safe enough to let down their guard after managing themselves in the outside world.
Sibling rivalry is a normal part of childhood and can be a valuable opportunity for parents to teach emotional intelligence and foster empathy. As developmental concepts, such as Piaget’s stages of development and Theory of Mind, illustrate, children gradually become more capable of understanding others' perspectives as they age:
Infancy (0-2 years): At this stage, children are primarily focused on their own needs and experiences, with minimal awareness of others’ emotions. Sibling rivalry isn’t yet pronounced, but jealousy can arise when attention shifts to a new baby.
Early Childhood (2-4 years): Toddlers and young children start recognizing that others have feelings, but empathy is limited. Rivalry often begins here as children become more aware of siblings and may compete for parental attention. Sharing is challenging as they see things from a self-centered perspective.
Preschool to Early Elementary (4-7 years): During this time, children’s social skills improve, and they begin developing Theory of Mind, allowing them to understand that others have different thoughts and feelings. This growth enables empathy, though children still need guidance to manage jealousy and competition with siblings.
Middle Childhood (7-12 years): Social understanding strengthens significantly, allowing children to appreciate siblings’ feelings and perspectives more fully. Remember that empathy has a long arc of development and it’s not until around 9 or 10 years old that it’s developed. Kids around these ages can engage in more complex play and cooperative activities with siblings, reducing rivalry as they learn conflict resolution skills.
When (and When Not) to Intervene
While it's tempting to step in at every clash, giving children the space to work through conflicts can empower them to build confidence in their own social skills. Reserve intervention for situations where:
Physical aggression or meanness is present.
The same issue keeps recurring without resolution.
Behavior clearly violates family values (e.g., respect, kindness).
When any of these situations occur, it’s time to step in. Here’s how to intervene.
Sibling Conflict: How to Respond as a Parent
The goal isn't to eliminate sibling conflict, but rather to guide your children toward learning how to fight well—understanding emotions, building empathy, and improving communication. With a guiding hand, kids can learn to understand their own emotions, respect the needs of others, and find creative solutions to their disagreements. Here’s a framework for helping your children navigate sibling rivalry, so they can build the social-emotional skills that will serve them for life.
Encourage Both Sides to Share: Asking "What happened?" comes across as clueless and kids subconsciously may think, “Oh, he doesn’t know what happened. I thought he was omniscient. So now I’ll tell him my version of the story.” Instead, say, “I want to know what happened. I’m going to ask both of you. Who would like to start?"
Validate Emotions: Start with one and validate their feeling while using active listening and acknowledging them. For example, you can say, “It sounds like you're feeling angry" or "That seems frustrating." Or, “It's so hard when you work on a drawing and someone rips it.” Label emotions and discuss feelings openly. This not only helps in the moment but builds long-term emotional intelligence. Acknowledgment is a powerful tool to calm the storm.
Stay Neutral: Keep your tone and reactions neutral. Avoid passing judgment; just gather the facts as each child sees them and get the story out. By maintaining an objective stance, you reduce the perception of favoritism and help each child feel equally respected and heard.
Give It Back to Them: Once the story is out and the kids feel heard, calmness should set in within each child. Now continue to the resolution stage but remember that this is their conflict, not yours. After hearing both sides, ask them, "What would you like to do now? Would you like to say something to the other?" Help them come up with a solution instead of solving it for them.
Reflect and Review Later. When tensions have melted and kids are in a state of openness then discuss the situation, provide praise and recognition for the difficulties and resolutions, and talk about obstacles to expect in the future. My favorite time to do this is when we’re reading a book before going to bed or in the car.
The Long-Term Impact
Yes, this is time-consuming and frustrating but it’s worth it. In other words, it’s called good parenting.
Using this strategy goes beyond keeping peace in the house. It helps build life skills that your kids will carry into adulthood—whether in friendships, workplaces, or their own families. Empathy, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution are foundational to their social-emotional development.
Here are some other good resources for managing sibling rivalry:
How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes by Melinda Wenner Moyer
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen… by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel M.D. & Tina Payne Bryson
The Better Behavior Show with Dr. Nicole Beurkens (podcast)
A List of My Favorite Books of All Time (Parenting and Otherwise)
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